The gym could be an interesting place. There’s a huge variety of people that stem from amateur bodybuilders to stay at home moms who need a few hours a week to get out of the house. During college I held a part time job at a snack bar inside my gym so I have a good idea of what the different types of people that are there and when they are. During this stage of this trip called life, I met a lot of new people and as you may find it hard to believe, even eyeballed a couple of babes who probably thought I was creepy. Even though I met a bunch of new people the amount of babes that gave me their phone number: nada (zero). The amount of babes I even had casual conversation with: also cero (Spanish for zero). These years showed me that gym patrons come in waves. The early morning crew is a different breed and are not, and I mean NOT to be fucked with. It takes a true sociopath to wake up at the crack ass of dawn and go do something that many people would consider a form of punishment, physical activity. Great Oden’s Raven fuck that shit all the way off. As they empty out you get the mid-morning milfs. Maybe they just dropped the kids off at the bus stop or perhaps they were just waiting for the daycare to open. They are fair game but tread lightly. You may have to take a zumba class or some shit to establish common ground. Later you get the late teens and college students. School just let out and it’s a good time for them to get a little sweaty. If this is your age-range go nuts bud. Hormones are flying a plenty and nobody really knows shit about shit. The afterwork gang is a train wreck in and of itself but there is plenty of tail in there to scout. And as they go by the wayside the late night degens mosey in and these people stink. This may be the easiest population to tackle because most of the guys are assholes and I guess a bunch of the girls like assholes. I wouldn’t know. With all that being said, all these groups have one common goal in mind: to physically better themselves. That common ground could help guys like YOU to swoop in and take down some high quality take downs. There’s a certain technique to this but not a difficult one to comprehend being that it’s vastly similar to the mating patterns of sub-saharan lions. The major similarity between those is that I have no idea how either one of these works. Without further ado, here are 5 sure fire ways to not score girls in the gym, as told by someone who doesn’t score girls in the gym.

I’m sure someone once told you to dress for the job you want not the one that you have, and for that reason I’m wearing the same Walking Dead t-shirt for the third time since Thursday because I’ve reached the pinnacle of life as a blogger and I’m also a fucking loser. Things aren’t so different in the gym. I have a very specific way of dressing when I’m in the iron jungle (told you I’m a loser) that starts with sweating my ass off in a hoodie, while sitting in a 180° room. I do a couple sets and strip down to an even sweatier and gross long sleeve t-shirt. Final form is when that comes off, tied around my waist and am left wearing something that used to be a high school function shirt and is now more similar to high school function bib. This is pretty important because girls absolutely want to see your nipples while you’re working out, they think bacne is hotter than that guy with the abs in Twighlight, and above all else they love it when you get your dripping sweat all over the equipment they want to use. We’re going to get into that part in more depth later but for now were going to stick wit the dressing part. What’s the point of working out if you can’t show off minimal progress while you’re doing it. Less is more in this part of the equation. If you’re showing at a minimum this much skin, you’ve got it all wrong.

People in the gym like consistency. It’s how you see progress and if you’re consistent you’re probably going at the same time of day everyday. This means you’re going to run into the same people day in and day out. With that being said, I think Borat told me that the female brain is smaller than that of the males so if you want to stand out keep things consistent, wear the same snapback every day. Because you’re working your butt off trying to impress the girl that is starting to catch on that you’ve conveniently used the same machine next to her for the better part of 45 minutes, you got a little sweaty and it’s showing on the out of state backwards baseball cap that you’re wearing. Keep it up big guy because those sweat stains tell a story and that story is that you work hard, care about your figure, and certainly don’t give a damn about hygiene. As time goes the sweat stains will get more and more pronounced and the odor will grow, but just when you think enough is enough, she’s already fallen for you. Take it from me, I’m the smart blogger and you don’t know shit.

Oh, you don’t want to lay in that puddle of sweat I left behind on the crunch machine? Sounds like a YOU thing babe. Cleaning up after yourself is a far cry from what it takes to impress gym chicks. Gym chicks are just like you and me. They want to get fit, they want improve their own life, and they absolutely love someone who works hard for something. What better way to showoff all your hard work than by leaving physical puddles of your own DNA behind as you slowly make the walking Gymshark catalog fall for you? Sure there may be disinfectant and paper towels galore but you’re already on to the next and she’s covered in your excrement thinking about the color of your wedding napkins or whatever the fuck they think about. Bottomline is that some may have told you that it’s gross but some people aren’t experts on gym takedowns.

You finished your set, it’s now time to let them know. Do you see the babe next to you in the squat with her hat nearly covering her eyes because she doesn’t want to be seen? Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets her more riled up than smashing your weights so hard and loud that it nearly registers an earthquake. This shows her two things: one is that you’re working with heavy weights, and second your’e capable of lifting heavy weights. Keep doing this as not only the girl next to you will notice but also the ones that just left, and also the ones in the spin class. This is like a shark smelling blood in the water and by the time you’ve finished your workout you’ll have your pick of the litter.

Lastly, and this one kind of ties into the last one, its all about the db’s and were not talking about dumbbells. Decibels are of the utmost importance here and are in each and every way. I’m obviously talking dropping weights, I’m also talking about grunting during sets, and make sure everyone knows what you’re listening to. We’ve already covered how dropping weights will help you in your conquest, but also grunt during your sets, and grunt loud. This ties back to what I said about the lion thing being similar to the gym environment and that mating calls are vital. Do a rep, make the noise sex havers make when they’re having and repeat. Everyone listens to music while they train and a similar taste could establish common ground. How is she going to know what you’re listening to though? Sing it out loud and I can’t stress the term loud enough. Better yet, make sure it’s Calvin Harris Ultra set or some other bullshit without real words. Better yet, bring an external speaker insuring she hears this and eventually falls in love with you.

And there you have it. A concrete blueprint on how to score major tail within the walls of your local fitness club. If you can’t succeed with this, you’re doing something wrong. Over and out.