Why Abandoning Responsibility is the most Selfless Thing you Can do

It is Monday April 29 and the NFL draft has come and gone as fans across the country and maybe even other countries watched their teams get better as well as seeing the culmination of hundreds of peoples dreams as they were selected to play for and NFL team. Throughout the broadcast not only were the players worshipped for their success on the field but many were also showcased for the issues they were forced to overcome that helped them get to the spot that they are in today, whether it was overcoming injury or being forced to grow up early as result of being a product of a broken home. They are many people in which these players can thank, especially the ones whomst had fathers leave them at an early age, giving them no choice but to be good at sports.

Millions of people have once had the dream of playing a professional sport, but many have failed. I guess this can be attributed to them coming from a two parent household. If only more scumbags would leave their family to fend for themselves, the world would get to see more dreams come true and in turn create a better on field product as a result of a heightened player pool.

Every failed athlete from a two parent home can band together and take a stance against their father for being in their life. If only men would think with their brain every now and then instead of their wiener they would have left the mother of their child only to reappear about 18 to 22 years later and meet their child for the first time after they complete their life long dream where they would be celebrated for all of the sacrifices they made in the name of parenting so they’re child could be given a one in a million chance of becoming a professional sports sportser.

If only “everyone” did in fact know that Mr. Surfboard Man. The harsh reality of this situation is that many people don’t know this an instead make the mistaken of raising their child the best way they think they can and in turn only keep them reaching their dreams. Someone should run the numbers on how many athletes came from two parent homes and how many prisoners came from two parent homes. By just missing out on watching a child grow up, we could probably make USA Soccer more relevant and clean up the criminal justice system. Two (2) birds, one (1) stone.

Finally, someone not thinking about themselves for once. Mr. Huncho we need more parents like you. Very much a selfless act of putting the burden on a single mother to raise a child for the benefit of the kid to be a pro sports star, all the time assuming that kid is a sports fan and taking the risk of showing up on draft day to hear his name called for the benefit of your offspring. If only we had more Mike’s in the world we would probably have seen someone take down the Warriors by now.

Tittyboy has ran the numbers. Tittyboy has done the analysis. And Tittyboy has come to the conclusion that walking away from responsibility is in the best interest of the child. He has the stats people and those indicate that his fatherless child will one day hear their name called where they will be greeted by their not, and I mean not, deadbeat of a father. A simple conversation would help smooth over the years of neglect which would end up with a thank-you from the drafted player and a you’re welcome from the absent father when he explains that this was the plan for their kid all along.

Even though this is a known fact, some people like baby bee still don’t understand that just vanishing for a couple of years would only lead to a lavish lifestyle and financial success on a professional sports field. Chico would be wise to do this and seems like his mind is in the right place here when it comes to parenting skills. Together, we need to be more like Chico, point out the facts, neglect responsibility of our actions, and show up on draft day to see that it all worked out.

There you have it folks. Walk away from responsibility and the consequences of your actions and you too can sire a professional athlete. Over and out.

This Day in History Before I was Born- April 10

We all know that the spaceship we know as Earth, has been around for a mere Two Thousand and Nineteen (2019) years, and being that I have only been aboard this journey for 23 (twenty-three) of those, that leaves a whopping 1,996 years where I am left to uncover some major events myself. So, allow me to fire up my Google machine, which just switches to Bing for reasons unbeknownst to me, and look up some of the things that happened on this very day.

837 Comet 1P/837 F1 (Halley) approaches within 0.0334 AUs of Earth
There’s a lot of numbers and shit in there to which I do not know what they mean, but never the less I have at least heard of Halley’s comet, made famous by The Hangover. Halley’s comet is pretty dope because it comes around I guess every 837 years I think. I am very much looking forward to the next one but I also don’t know much about that either so If you do drop a comment down below. I can only imagine the hype that this motherfucker will get because that eclipse got a shit ton of it and from where I’m from you were barely able to see it. Also Odell Beckham Jr., congrats on the sex Odell Beckham Sr., looked at it even though you weren’t supposed to and I thought he was going to be blind which would’ve sucked because he’s on my fantasy team.

1710 The first law regulating copyright is issued in Great Britain
This one had quite the impact and still lingers in the world today. Copyrights are cool if you’re smart and have good ideas but suck if you’re stupid and have stupid ideas. Not being able to cuck people for being smarter than you was probably a huge blow to dumbasses and scumbags back in the 1700’s. You couldn’t just invent something that was already invented and make a bunch of money off of it. If copyright law didn’t exist I would probably reinvent toilet paper because it’s probably the best invention ever when you think about it.

1825 First Hotel Opens in Hawaii
Okay, hand to God I didn’t know that’s how you spell Hawaii which makes me wonder if I should’ve chosen to reinvent spell check instead. Never mind that, I always thought that no more than 100 people actually lived in Hawaii and the rest was all people on cool vacations. The fact that it took 1,825 years for them to even open a hotel leads me to believe I may have been wrong about this. The guy that did this should’ve copyrighted hotels specifically in Hawaii, which could’ve been very lucrative given all the people that go there for their cool vacations. I think I want to go there one day, it could be fun.

1849 Safety pin patented by Walter Hunt (NYC); sold rights for $400
What a day for copyrighting. I omitted the part about when it was added to the United States because I felt it was unimportant but wow, major copyrighting going on April 10th. I was always confused about why it was called a safety pin because I often stabbed myself on accident when trying to put some button on my shirt because it was my birthday or some shit like that. Regardless I hope $400 was a lot back then because if not Walter got fleeced. I bet that the safety pin market is worth a couple million these days and poor Mr. Hunt walked away with barely enough to pay for my monthly premium Snapchat bill. Don’t fact check that.

1864 Austrian Archduke Maximilian becomes Maximilian I, Emperor of Mexico
Probably means that there was a Maximilian II, congrats on the sex. The one and only way to make the name Maximilian cooler is to make sure you let everyone know you’re a sex haver which is exactly what he did.

1877 First human cannonball performed in London
This one really hits home because it’s kind of my go to when it comes to jumping in pools. When I was younger and more limber I would try cool flips and shit but those days are long gone because once I tried to do a backflip after taking years off and almost missed my pool completely. This act was done by a lady who went by Zazel but I have been mislead to think that this was the move where you jump into a pool and make a big splash but instead she was literally launched out of a cannon. She only traveled 6.1 meters (0.00379036 miles) but I guess its a pretty cool feat nonetheless. Later on she would perform in P.T Barnum’s circus and I think there’s a movie about that now. Finally, we get into HERstory, amirite ladies?

1912 RMS Titanic sets sail from Southampton for her maiden (and final) voyage
One of my favorite and albeit most controversial Leo movies. I think it’s bullshit that they couldn’t both fit on that door but I guess that’s show biz. It’s a classic film that showcases how love doesn’t need to be confined by wealth but instead is an intense feeling of deep affection (as per the dictionary). Leo plays Jack, a poor artist who wins tickets aboard this boat with his friend who falls in love with a wealthy girl named Rose. Jack ends up dying it’s pretty sad.

1938 NY makes syphilis test mandatory in order to get a marriage license
I can’t say for sure that this one still exists so maybe it was a dud. Syphilis was a killer in its prime and took out ole Benny Frank who is the guy who has his picture on the hundred dollar bill. Big baller status. This was probably pretty awkward when people would get outted for having syphilis because it meant that they had sex outside of the sanctity of marriage. No room for that in this world.

I’d like to take this time to wish the guy who invented my favorite video game a happy birthday, John Madden. John is 83 today. Holy shit I had no idea he’s that old. Let’s protect this legend, alright? Over and out.

The Adults of Tinder

The internet is an interesting place. People use it to communicate with old friends and family, to online shop where you can get anything from groceries to premium Snapchat accounts, and to seek entertainment. What may fall under the entertainment category is the wonderful app by the name of Tinder, and other dating apps alike. They’re places unlike any other where the masses gather with one common goal: to fuck each others brain’s out. I decided to take a step outside my comfort zone and compiled some of my all time favorite profiles. Ladies and gentleman, these are the adults of Tinder.

First up we have Stacy. Stacy was one of the better looking ladies I came across and also probably one of the youngest. Love knows no age. She clearly has an affinity for animals because of all the cheetah she’s wearing kind of leads me to believe she wants to be a jungle cat. Like literally every profile you are about to see, we did not match however I’m sure if we met in person we’d hit it off like never before. She is probably a really cool aunt who you tell things to that you don’t tell your parents. Stacy was one of my favorite profiles that I came across but a far cry from my favorite.

Next up we have Emma, who is a fire cracker in her own right. The mermaid picture took me for a loop but I hypothesize that it she is a huge fan of the Little Mermaid, or a crazy person. I have no idea what it’s like growing up in Barbados nor do I actually know where Barbados is but it is probably tropical given the mermaid thing. She seems like she’s up for a good time getting right to the point saying buy me a drink and let’s go from there. Using the phrase gosh is an insane move and makes me think she’s a cop. All in all Emma seems like a rad chick and one that also likes mermaids whey too much.

From Emma we go to Gega who shockingly knows how to use apps based on her age, very technologically advanced I must say. Not a whole lot going on in this profile other than the fact that she’s claiming to be 71 and looks approximately 30 years younger. The age thing coupled withe bio reading “this is me write now” only further makes me question how she even knows what this app is considering she spelt “right” wrong. Also saying that you are who you are in that very moment is an instant red flag in a place where many people are not who they say they are, so much to the point where a TV show was made based off that very concept until the host proved to be problematic. Don’t fact check that.

There is a TON to unpack with Geraldine. Simply put that photo just screams “let’s take a trip on the wild side” and the various capitalized words I feel should tell a story but they don’t do that. She is obviously fabulous because she told us that twice. She is some kind of journalist and is very good at it as shown by her numerous awards year in and year out. Saying your last name ends in a vowel is quite the move because so do a lot of others but The Soprano’s make me think she has mob connections (I’m just starting season 6 in that now, pretty crazy turn of events right?). Including your unhealthy sleep habits is an interesting move but is one that I have no choice but to respect. Motherfucker is a cool word can’t knock her for that. All things considered, Geraldine is a first ballot hall of famer.

To close we bring in an all timer. Behold Seabeast, the 58 year old who likes to eat bones. This one was the one that brought up the most questions starting with the name and ending withe the part about eating bones and nibbling on teeth. I wish this is one that I would’ve matched with just because of all the questions I had. There isn’t much more for me to say on this one other than what is already presented in the photo. Seabeast, you are absolutely one of a kind and if one day I get to see that face of yours it would simply be my treat. Don’t change a thing about you no matter what anyone says.

There you have it. Tinder is not only a place for people in their 20’s to bang the shit out of each other. Until next time. Over and out.

Sorry if this was Your Mom

If you clicked this link you made a good decision because this is far and away the best story I have in my arsenal. Similar to the blog about my blind girlfriend this is a story that I could only create once and honestly don’t know if I would want to again. Sorry if this was your mom but ladies and gentleman, this is the story of Sister Jean.

This was shenanigans in the highest form and occurred sometime during last years college basketball tournament so the timing of this one seems appropriate although it wasn’t the night of the championship. Do you remember Loyola Chicago making that miracle run to the Final 4 and the nun backing them, the 99 year old Sister Jean. Well this story has nothing to do with that Sister Jean but instead a bar cougar, who stole my heart and I like to think I stole her’s right back. My boys and I were at the height of our run of going to our go-to bar for about the seventh week in a row. We created a ton of shenanigans during this stretch but by we I really mean almost only Tommy. In addition to the normal crew my oldest brother came out and he plays a small but important role in this retelling.

We get to the bar and make our way to the back of the bar. There’s a little extra move to maneuver which is exactly what got me into this scenario. I’m in my 22nd season of life at this point, my brother is not and for those reasons I was making fun a tinsy bit saying he was too old to be in there despite there being a handful of people his age around us, including but not limited to at least one person he knew from high school. To our immediate left there is a group who is noticeably older than us and that is something that I cannot overstate. They start getting a little loose and start to boogie some even though we were in a sports bar and it’s pretty rare for people to be dancing in there. Soon enough one of the older ladies is bumping into me while she’s dancing. I can’t tell if it was intentional or not but it scared the shit out of me. I was inexperienced when it came to cougars and I hadn’t been this close to one since I was in high school. This does not mean that the teenage me didn’t attract the older ladies, our mascot was the cougars. This doesn’t go on all that long and my panic is short lived. I order and step away from the bar to mix it up with whoever I was mixing it up with. The dancing continues and we make our jokes about the group that stayed after happy hour whey too long and would soon have that ruined for them. I take a look up and see my boy Jazz starting to dance with my soulmate, Sister Jean. I see this unfold and start to get a little more comfortable with the scenario. Soon I am completely unzipped and say it’s my turn to milk this content cow for everything it’s worth. It’s starting to happen. I am about to meet Sister Jean.

Jazz steps away, he’s had enough. I’m just about ready to get started. I step in and start to drum up a conversation with this lady, only calling her Sister Jean. She didn’t get it and that’s likely why this was able to go on for so long. She asks me my age. I lie and say I’m 24. I guess I thought 24 seemed much more mature than 22 but based on how 23 has been going I’m going to have to make massive strides over the next few months for that to be true. I fire back and ask her age. She’s old enough to be my mother at the ripe age of 50. We speak about goals and aspirations and such some solid get to know you chit chat. She asks me what I’m looking for, I came back bold and strong by saying experience. I ask for her phone number and she reads it right back which is something we both regret happening. Things are heating up and I’m in over my head. Some more back and forth goes on until I throw up a heat check and ask how young is too young. You may be starting to think that lying about my age was a good move at this point but Tommy had already outed me as being a liar. Her exact answer? I don’t know but some age is just a number bullshit spills out. If I thought I was panicking before I had another thing coming. Things are now too real and are no longer a joke. “I gotta take a shit” just stumbles out of my mouth and I run off to the bathroom to collect myself and reflect on what had just happened. When I decide I’m ready to go back out there, she’s making her way to the exit. I decide I have to get at least one more joke in before we head off never to be seen again. I ask if she was really going to leave without saying good-bye to me, which now that I think about it was probably the smoothest line I dropped since this shenanigans and it wasn’t even that good. She leans in and plops a wet one on the cheek. Shake my head and say no, and point to my lips. I now have a wet one plopped on my lips. Then, gone.

The story doesn’t quite end there. Remember that thing I said about her giving me her phone number? Well I went back to the same bar and used that bad boy dropping a “what are we” line. Not a good move on Dave’s end and instead should have deleted those 7 digits plus the area code the moment I got them. Two days go by and I get a very hateful message which I no longer have, nor do I have the screenshot of. Actually I’m lying to you its framed and hanging on my wall. Basically I got called a dumbass that would never reach her success level. Probably fair given what little she’s seen of me but don’t question my intelligence when you’re the one who gave a kid in his 22nd season your phone number when he’s calling you a 99 year old nun backing a college basketball team.

Sister Jean this one was my bad. Sorry if Sister Jean is your mom. Over and out.

I Simply Can’t Fathom what an Awful Shirt this is

I am by no means a fashionista. I like crocs. I like visors. I love Big Baller Brand. Even I know that this atrocity of a shirt is quite literally the worst thing that has ever been purchased. What was going through the heads of the people that decided they should go ahead and print this? These morons need to be examined pronto, but only after the people who bought it are examined first. There is literally nothing to like about it and simply wearing it is a spit in the face of anyone who isn’t my girlfriend because she’s blind, and luckily cannot see this abomination. This bullshit piece of cloth, which I hate so much reads, “I Flexed and the Sleeves Fell Off”. Puke.

Few might say “wow cool shirt” but the many would say “you look like a fucking fool, buster”. For starters this is a straight up lie. You mean to tell me that of the many (2) people that I’ve seen wear this, without miraculously hanging their head in embarrassment, both were able to flex their arms so God damn hard that the sleeves entirely tore off from the torso? Really? They didn’t just rip, they didn’t get stretched out a little bit, they completely separated from the rest of it. Tearing a shirt isn’t a very easy thing to do in the first place and you can take my word for it because I tried to do it like Hulk Hogan time and time again only to end up with a bacon collar.

How do retailers even make sure that the person who willing spends their hard earned money on this bogus piece of shit is in fact, able to flex and make the sleeves fall off? Do they send you to customer service and watch you do it before you buy it? What if it’s a gift, kinda ruins the surprise when you make them come to the store to flex and rip the sleeves off the shirt, doesn’t it? Now what if someone lies, gets their bigger and stronger friend to buy the shirt, flex and rip the sleeves from it, then buys the shirt from them even though they were incapable of flexing and ripping the sleeves off the shirt themself. Kind of seems like a lot to take in and police over an item listed on Amazon for $14.99.

There are few things in this world that get me overly hot and bothered but this is for sure one of those things. I don’t like getting #MadOnline but someone needed to use their voice and speak out on this, and I figured that my new presence in society as a big hot shot blogger thus skyrocketing my importance in this world I would be that voice. Brothers and sisters, let’s get this thing off the market. Over and out.

Power Ranking “Always Sunny” Secondary Characters

Sunny is a show that is near and dear to me. It’s been ole’ reliable since I first watched it and it continues to be. Sometimes I’m just looking for a solid laugh and Sunny is always there to drive it home. The more and more I watched the show the greater appreciation I gained for the characters outside of the gang and some have become my favorites. The topic of this bad boy gives insight as to which ones I like the best and to keep it to a reasonable length I decided to do my top 7. Some that have only appeared in one or two episodes get omitted from this list and tried to keep it to those who effect (affect?) the show. Side note: don’t fact check this bad boy.

7. Ben the Soldier
Ben the Soldier is the guy Sweet D meets online under the username Dessert Rose. She goes to greet him from the bus station where she goes dressed as a rose. When he gets off the bus she sees him in a wheel chair and runs off, only to find he was capable of walking the entire time. Ben is also gifted a pair of jorts from the guys as a “thank-you for your service” kind of thing. Ben is an idiot and the gang tries to exploit that and his military background for their own schemes. My favorite part about this dipshit is how he’s so doofy, dumb, and awkward, but above all else he sleeps in an Ebenezer Scrooge get up, that is similar to something I wore to a pajama party.

Fun Fact: When Dennis and Mac try to trigger his PTSD, they learn he was a computer programmer in the Army and never saw any actual combat.

Favorite Scene: Attempting to trigger his PTSD while he’s dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge.

6. The McPoyle Family
The whole McPoyle gang is a lot to unpack. They claim they once ruled across America but that syphilis took out nearly half of them. Quite literally a group of inbreds who make frequent appearances throughout the series. They make their debut in just the second episode where they try to get their old gym coach fired by convincing Charlie he was molested by him. The rivalry grows stronger when Frank shoots Doyle and ruins his chances at playing for the Eagles and reaches its peak when Dennis bangs Maureen before she is set to marry Liam, although it would muddy the bloodline. This gang of freaks are one of the few secondary guys that stand alone to cause their own ruckus instead of pulling out the best in the gang.

Fun Fact: Liam tries to have the McPoyle’s take over the world by marrying Maureen Ponderosa, but it’s ultimately foiled when Bill Ponderosa spikes the milk with bath salts.

Favorite Scene: The entirety of the gang gets quarantined.

5. Lawyer
This guy never actually gets a name and is just always referred to as “Lawyer”. He’s another one who makes frequent run-ins with the gang and starts up some kind of rivalry as the show progresses. He comes in during season 3 when Dennis and Dee’s mother, Barbara, dies. The gang is under the impression that he is responsible for the death of Barbara despite not ever meeting her. He continues to fight with the gang on all things legal and grows to hate them so much that he hopes for nothing but to see them suffer. He takes on cases pro-bono in attempts to defeat them. Despite his trials and tribulations he always seems to come out behind and something worse is always happening to him. As a character alone he’s not all that great but coupled with the tomfoolery he brings out of the gang he’s a big part of the show.

Fun Fact: After the Waitress, he is the second unnamed character in the show.

Favorite Scene: When Charlie challenges him to a duel.

4. Artemis
Artemis is one fire cracker that I find to love more than most fans. She’s rough around the edges and unapologetically herself. She’s crazy open about her sexual endeavors and even more outspoken about how gross and bizarre they are, as per her dumpster humps with Frank. She gets introduced to the gang as a friend of Dee and comes onto the scene when the gang thinks Charlie has cancer. She makes frequent appearances and plays well off the gang. Stand alone she has her own funny moments and quite frankly may not get enough screen time.

Fun Fact: She has a bleached asshole.

Favorite Scene: Frank “Hey Deandre, you got any bacon bits? We like to put them in Artemis’ hair and they rain down on me when we bang.”
Artemis: “I feel like a cob salad. It’s amazing”

3. Uncle Jack
Uncle Jack is a god damn stud. He’s the perfect amount of creepy and funny all wrapped up into one disaster of a lawyer. He may or may not have molested Charlie but 100% gives off pedophile vibes. He enters the scene early in the series during the Charlie gets Molested episode. He gets a little too excited but continues to stick around for the rest of the series. Guy is very self-conscious about the size of his hands and is always taking pictures for his website on a disposable camera, which I’d bet my little cousin would not be able to recognize. He in a way rivals with the Lawyer and the two of them going against each other in the court of law. He plays off the rest of the gang well but is another that could stand alone and be a funny character.

Fun Fact: In “The Nightman Cometh”, the character of the Nightman is believed to be based on Uncle Jack due to his creepy past.

Favorite Scene: Ez Pz when his hands fly off during the “Trial of the Century”. Anyone that says otherwise is an idiot.

2. Bill Ponderosa
God dammit Pondy’s the coolest. What a walking bag of shit this guy is. He’s a deadbeat father, drug addicted alcoholic who loves to cheat on his wife. Pondy doesn’t pop up in a ton of episodes but as the series progresses he turns more and more into a pile of garbage. His mannerisms really get to me and his don’t give a fuck attitude is what makes this character the tits. He doesn’t come around until season six but when he does its something to be remembered. He bursts onto the scene banging Dee although he’s still married all the while lying about getting a vasectomy so he doesn’t have to wear a jimmy. On his own this scumbag could have his own show and would be ranked one if it wasn’t for the guy in front of him being an even bigger piece of shit.

Fun Fact: The life insurance policy the gang takes out on him when he tries to drink himself to death at the bar is still active.

Favorite Scene: Probably when he picks up Frank in “Being Frank.”

1. Rickety Cricket
I don’t believe that there is a character in the history of television that has undergone such a change quite like this train wreck. When the series begins, Cricket is simply Matthew Mara, a priest who is still in love with his high school crush, who unfortunately for him happens to be Sweet Dee. Cricket doesn’t come along until season two when a stain inside the bar looks like the Virgin Mary when he comes along to bless it. Dee says she has feelings for him, leading him to leave the priesthood which ignites his downward spiral. As the show continues he gets his neck cut open when Frank throws a garbage can at him, shot in the hand by Frank, half his face burnt off when he’s locked in Dennis and Mac’s burning apartment, and falls in love with a dog he perceives as a person while high on PCP. Dude is an unmitigated disaster in each and every sense of the phrase. The show wouldn’t be the same without him and for that reason he had to be number one on the list and I almost feel this is an unfair one putting him so high.

Fun Fact: Even though this guy is the tits, he is the second most recurring character after The Waitress.

Favorite Scene: Hands down when he walks in on the gang and asks to do PCP in their bathroom.

Over and out.

This Day in History Before I was Born-April 3

This is going to be an experimental piece that I may do on an every now and again basis. I have to talk to my analytics team to see how this one scores with our typical audience and then again to see how it scores with only the girls and then a third time to see how it scores with large breasted girls. If it succeeds, then I will continue. Basically this piece will be me looking up some of the historical significance of whatever day, brief research on what it all meant, and guess what it could have meant to the people of that time.

1043 Edward the Confessor crowned King of England
On the surface this one looks like a pretty cool thing I guess. Being king is badass and its even more badass when you were a king when there were like castles, moats, dragons and other cool Game of Thrones type shit, but once I conducted my research I realized Ed, or as I like to call him Big Ed, wasn’t that cool of a guy anyway. Things got off to a pretty dope start for him, he took over for Cnut (careful reading that one) the Great’s son, who ended up being his own half brother and took back the House of Wessex from Danish Rule. He ruled for like 20 years, died and then the next guy got whacked that same year. Seems good and all but turns out he was kind of a dick. The confessor shtick seems like he was all honest and for the people but turns out guy was known to take a bribe which to me is wild because I didn’t know money was invented yet. Dudes were probably like “I’ll give all the sheep I have, just stop telling everyone my sister is a witch”. Anyway, when people started to call him on his shit and tried to knock him off his throne, he made up some bogus crimes to get them to shut their trap. All-in-all I doubt people liked him very much but he ruled for a while so I guess he did some good.

1657 English Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell Refuses the Crown
What a fucking flex. Before I start my research on this topic I just want to say this guy must’ve had the biggest hog out there during this time. I think the entire world was England back then so basically to say thanks but no thanks to leader of the world is madness in and of itself. Also I bet Lord Protector’s just fucked people up from sun up to sun down. To wikipedia I go. Ollie was mad religious and thought that God was the one guiding him through his military victories. When he was offered the crown he didn’t take it but for kind of a lame reason, and not what I initially thought. Guy just didn’t think he was worthy of it. He also didn’t believe that there should be one universal leader but instead a democracy, score one for the U.S of A. It’s a good thing he didn’t accept because he died a year later, likely because someone sneezed on him or something. Medicine was pretty shitty in those days.

1868 A Hawaiian Surfs on the Highest Wave ever- 50 foot Tidal Wave
This just screams badass. I’ve never tried to surf but I imagine I wouldn’t be very good at it unless girls think that it might be hot. In that case I’m the best damn surfer you’ve ever seen darlin’. Unfortunately there wasn’t much information outside of just the headline so I can’t congratulate this daredevil on a job well done. One thing that makes me question this though is who was measuring? Like did they just guess it was that big? What if he was really small and it just made the wave seem bigger? Whatever this guy is a legend in my eye and probably the people that saw it.

1936 Al Carr Knocksout Lew Massey in 7 seconds
Mr. Massey and I have something in common when it comes to only lasting a couple seconds. What an embarrassment. The only thing he can at least hang his hat on is that the other headline from that year was that the shortest boxing match with gloves lasts only 10 seconds, leading me to believe that he went in raw. Good for him for being a tough, not so much for getting dropped before you could say “try to last at least 8 seconds in there Lew”.

1973 First Mobile Call is made in Downtown Manhattan by Martin Cooper
Guess what, Marty? Nobody wants to be bothered with your phone call and there’s a reason it took 1,973 years for someone to make one. Just text them like a normal person. This way your friend can read it at their convenience, and you’re not bothering everyone around you with your fucking voice. In my 23 years I probably made exactly that many phone calls and they were all to order Chinese food. Where do you get off, Martin?

1975 Bobby Fischer Stripped of Chess Title for Refusing to Defend it
WHAT A FUCKING LOSER!! First of all, I’d find it hard to believe that someone ever actually gave a shit about a chess title before this very moment. Secondly, I can’t imagine a more chess champion way to go about things than finally winning the title and then making sure nobody else could have it by refusing to play again. Bobby was for sure the type of guy that wouldn’t get picked to play pickup hoops with the neighborhood kids, then say fuck you this is my ball and I’m going home so you can’t play either. What a dick. Bobby if this somehow makes it back to you, I hate you.

To end these pieces I’ll wish one person a Happy Birthday who is older than me. Today it goes out to former Ukrainian Prince, Igor Svyatoslavich. Igor would’ve been 868 years old today. Bless his soul.

Over and out.

Sure Fire Way to not Score Girls in the Gym, as Told by Someone who doesn’t Score Girls in the Gym

The gym could be an interesting place. There’s a huge variety of people that stem from amateur bodybuilders to stay at home moms who need a few hours a week to get out of the house. During college I held a part time job at a snack bar inside my gym so I have a good idea of what the different types of people that are there and when they are. During this stage of this trip called life, I met a lot of new people and as you may find it hard to believe, even eyeballed a couple of babes who probably thought I was creepy. Even though I met a bunch of new people the amount of babes that gave me their phone number: nada (zero). The amount of babes I even had casual conversation with: also cero (Spanish for zero). These years showed me that gym patrons come in waves. The early morning crew is a different breed and are not, and I mean NOT to be fucked with. It takes a true sociopath to wake up at the crack ass of dawn and go do something that many people would consider a form of punishment, physical activity. Great Oden’s Raven fuck that shit all the way off. As they empty out you get the mid-morning milfs. Maybe they just dropped the kids off at the bus stop or perhaps they were just waiting for the daycare to open. They are fair game but tread lightly. You may have to take a zumba class or some shit to establish common ground. Later you get the late teens and college students. School just let out and it’s a good time for them to get a little sweaty. If this is your age-range go nuts bud. Hormones are flying a plenty and nobody really knows shit about shit. The afterwork gang is a train wreck in and of itself but there is plenty of tail in there to scout. And as they go by the wayside the late night degens mosey in and these people stink. This may be the easiest population to tackle because most of the guys are assholes and I guess a bunch of the girls like assholes. I wouldn’t know. With all that being said, all these groups have one common goal in mind: to physically better themselves. That common ground could help guys like YOU to swoop in and take down some high quality take downs. There’s a certain technique to this but not a difficult one to comprehend being that it’s vastly similar to the mating patterns of sub-saharan lions. The major similarity between those is that I have no idea how either one of these works. Without further ado, here are 5 sure fire ways to not score girls in the gym, as told by someone who doesn’t score girls in the gym.

I’m sure someone once told you to dress for the job you want not the one that you have, and for that reason I’m wearing the same Walking Dead t-shirt for the third time since Thursday because I’ve reached the pinnacle of life as a blogger and I’m also a fucking loser. Things aren’t so different in the gym. I have a very specific way of dressing when I’m in the iron jungle (told you I’m a loser) that starts with sweating my ass off in a hoodie, while sitting in a 180° room. I do a couple sets and strip down to an even sweatier and gross long sleeve t-shirt. Final form is when that comes off, tied around my waist and am left wearing something that used to be a high school function shirt and is now more similar to high school function bib. This is pretty important because girls absolutely want to see your nipples while you’re working out, they think bacne is hotter than that guy with the abs in Twighlight, and above all else they love it when you get your dripping sweat all over the equipment they want to use. We’re going to get into that part in more depth later but for now were going to stick wit the dressing part. What’s the point of working out if you can’t show off minimal progress while you’re doing it. Less is more in this part of the equation. If you’re showing at a minimum this much skin, you’ve got it all wrong.

He fucked up not tying a shirt around his waist. Didn’t get laid for sure.

People in the gym like consistency. It’s how you see progress and if you’re consistent you’re probably going at the same time of day everyday. This means you’re going to run into the same people day in and day out. With that being said, I think Borat told me that the female brain is smaller than that of the males so if you want to stand out keep things consistent, wear the same snapback every day. Because you’re working your butt off trying to impress the girl that is starting to catch on that you’ve conveniently used the same machine next to her for the better part of 45 minutes, you got a little sweaty and it’s showing on the out of state backwards baseball cap that you’re wearing. Keep it up big guy because those sweat stains tell a story and that story is that you work hard, care about your figure, and certainly don’t give a damn about hygiene. As time goes the sweat stains will get more and more pronounced and the odor will grow, but just when you think enough is enough, she’s already fallen for you. Take it from me, I’m the smart blogger and you don’t know shit.

Oh, you don’t want to lay in that puddle of sweat I left behind on the crunch machine? Sounds like a YOU thing babe. Cleaning up after yourself is a far cry from what it takes to impress gym chicks. Gym chicks are just like you and me. They want to get fit, they want improve their own life, and they absolutely love someone who works hard for something. What better way to showoff all your hard work than by leaving physical puddles of your own DNA behind as you slowly make the walking Gymshark catalog fall for you? Sure there may be disinfectant and paper towels galore but you’re already on to the next and she’s covered in your excrement thinking about the color of your wedding napkins or whatever the fuck they think about. Bottomline is that some may have told you that it’s gross but some people aren’t experts on gym takedowns.

You finished your set, it’s now time to let them know. Do you see the babe next to you in the squat with her hat nearly covering her eyes because she doesn’t want to be seen? Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets her more riled up than smashing your weights so hard and loud that it nearly registers an earthquake. This shows her two things: one is that you’re working with heavy weights, and second your’e capable of lifting heavy weights. Keep doing this as not only the girl next to you will notice but also the ones that just left, and also the ones in the spin class. This is like a shark smelling blood in the water and by the time you’ve finished your workout you’ll have your pick of the litter.

Lastly, and this one kind of ties into the last one, its all about the db’s and were not talking about dumbbells. Decibels are of the utmost importance here and are in each and every way. I’m obviously talking dropping weights, I’m also talking about grunting during sets, and make sure everyone knows what you’re listening to. We’ve already covered how dropping weights will help you in your conquest, but also grunt during your sets, and grunt loud. This ties back to what I said about the lion thing being similar to the gym environment and that mating calls are vital. Do a rep, make the noise sex havers make when they’re having and repeat. Everyone listens to music while they train and a similar taste could establish common ground. How is she going to know what you’re listening to though? Sing it out loud and I can’t stress the term loud enough. Better yet, make sure it’s Calvin Harris Ultra set or some other bullshit without real words. Better yet, bring an external speaker insuring she hears this and eventually falls in love with you.

And there you have it. A concrete blueprint on how to score major tail within the walls of your local fitness club. If you can’t succeed with this, you’re doing something wrong. Over and out.

Barry Zito-esque 12-6 Curve

Before I get into this one allow me to disclose something. Tommy and I often stir up/stumble into plenty of hi-jinx that we both find funny to each other and those close to us, but not so much anyone outside of that. I guess this one falls under the ‘birds of a feather’ saying or probably more accurately ‘misery loves company’ because I love my friends and we are all some miserable fucks. With all that being said I doubt this is a story that you would not be able to find humor in and basically something that can only really happen once.

Before I get into this once in a lifetime boondoggle I created for myself I’ll paint the scene. It’s Saturday in late March. The weather is not important whatsoever nor do I remember it but if I had to guess it was probably a pretty nice as we had a pretty mild winter here on Long Island. The group is getting together to hit the bars a few towns over. All the girls are excited, the guys not so much but we didn’t really bother coming up with anything else to do so we decided to tag along. On my feet I have a relatively old pair of sneakers that I managed to keep pretty clean but don’t mind getting dirty, hence the bar shoes. On my ass I’m wearing one of the two pairs of jeans I own. I need to get more jeans or other leg wear because khaki takes up most of my closet space and I believe “Call Her Daddy” said khaki was out. Crushing blow my wardrobe. The jeans I have on are a little snug, so snug that I once blew the button out of them trying to squeeze my magnum dong into but like I said I only have one other pair and I couldn’t find the other ones. On my chest, an LA Rams 2019 Super Bowl Champions t-shirt that I paid too much money for but got more laughs than I had expected so let’s call it a wash. On my mind, nothing. Blank. I take one look in the mirror and think one thing:

We get to the pre-game spot and things are off to a good start. My t-shirt gets a laugh and a comment, and not a sole makes fun of me for my jeans that are too tight. Things are going better than expected. It’s late March so we’re watching the basketball tournament cheering for our brackets. I’m in second to last only in front of a chap by the name of Logan who actually forgot to fill the thing out entirely. I polish off the last of my Bud Light Platinums because they remind me of drinking in the woods after school with my friends and we pile into our Uber, where things begin to take a slight turn for the worst. Uber says he left his aux in his other car, which I thought was bullshit but whatever, so we’re forced to chop it up the old fashioned way. When we arrive on Main Street we receive news that our number one spot is going to be a no-go for various reasons. If you’ve made it this far, things are about to get good for you.

We hit the first bar of the evening despite them charging an annoying cover. I pay for my friends, he buys me my first drink. Great trade for me, the drink was more expensive than the cover. We shimmy our way to the bar and that’s when I see her. The girl that I am ready to spend the rest of my life with. I take a few more steps towards the bar as she starts to walk away from it. We’re facing each other at this point but there’s a few people between us. A few more steps. We’re now a mere couple of inches from each other. I’m not sure if I made any kind of gesture. Maybe I raised my eyebrows like some kind of asshole, or maybe smiled which would have sucked because my smile is kind of shitty and my wink is exponentially worse. We lock eyes and time freezes. As far as I know the two of us have the bar to ourselves. I black out for a second and the rest of my life flashes in front of me. I see our wedding day. The birth of our first child. The way she consoles me when I get laid off. And the day she decides she’s had enough and hands me the divorce papers. The American fuckin’ dream. Time starts up again and she opens her mouth to say something. What I expect to hear: “Hey handsome! Funny T-shirt and no way are those jeans too tight, not even in Europe!”, or “Excuse me I need to get to my friends”, or even something more aggressive like “Let’s spend the rest of our lives together starting right now”. She did not say even a single one of those words. What she said is something I truly hope no other big city snipey ever says to me again. Two words I’ll never forget come out her mouth. “I’m blind”. True story. Crushing blow before I could even get the words out, which I probably wouldn’t have done anyway.

Two things made me mad about this. One is that it took me back to the point where I wasn’t able to come up with any sort of funny rebuttal or anything like that. I’m usually pretty quick on my feet but this time I had the yipps and then some and then some more. The other is that I had no idea if she was lying or not. I mean she probably was because how else would she have even known I was there, but what I’m going to choose to believe now is that she was blinded by my dashing good looks. Don’t try to correct me, you weren’t there and it will only make me feel worse about myself. The rest of the night didn’t get much better. Tommy dropped my phone and it broke the screen. My friend Carter and I decided separate Uber’s home was the best course of action but really only ended up being more expensive than anything else, and when I eventually got home I saw the mint leaves from the mojitos we were drinking because they rhyme with best bros. Also because I puked them into the toilet at my parents house because I guess I was eating the mint leaves from my mojito.

I’ve told this story a couple times since it happened and nobody really was able to make heads or tails of it. Hats off to the girl that stole my heart within moments of doing the same activity that a considerable amount of people my age do on weekends. I’m not bitter anymore and actually got over it and thought it was funny a couple minutes after this whole debacle. But I must give credit where credit is due, she managed to kill me with a curve that would make 2006 NLCS Adam Wainwright jealous.

I guess Carlos Beltran and I have something in common now. Sorry Tommy I know how much you love the Mets. Over and out.

Allow me to Introduce Myself

Greetings. I see you made the mistake of coming to my new blog. This is not Tommy. This is Brendan. Sometimes I like to go by Dave and I don’t really have an explanation as to why I do that. So for now on I am to be referred to as either Brendan OR Dave, not both. Like many other bloggers I live with my mom, however I’m only 23 years young so it’s not really embarrassing when I tell girls that because houses are expensive and I don’t have a girlfriend to share it with, but maybe after I throw a few words on a page and a little luck that’ll change. Also that last sentence wasn’t entirely accurate because it alludes to the fact that I actually talk to girls. I mean not that I only communicate with other men, I have my fake ex-wife but that’s a whole can of worms I’m not going to open right now and my mom and also my brothers wife, but as of the time of this blog Ole’ Davey Boy and big city snipey’s are not seeing eye to eye. What’re you going to do I guess? I was Born and raised on the mean streets of central Long Island where things weren’t always as easy as the stereotypes make it seem. When I was just hitting my teen years my parents decided not to replace the broken heater for our indoor pool and instead just relied on the fucking sun to heat it. My lacrosse team was pretty much always mediocre, and just last week my brother left my go-to Patagonia snap back in his friend’s parents Vermont cabin for their yearly ski-trip. Bullshit.

Anyhoo, like almost everyone in this world, except for Tom Brady because he’s good at everything, and that schmuck Chris Connor who stinks at everything, I am good at some things and pretty not good at others, maybe most. I’ve never blogged anything before so maybe I’m not good at it yet, but at one point drinking light beers, bench pressing (because I lift, ladies), and being a virgin didn’t come easy to me but now I would say I’m pretty fucking good at all those things. A borderline savant some might say. Some actually have said. But for now we’ll leave being a blogger somewhere in the middle of being good and being pretty not good. With all that being said feedback is very encouraged unless you’re just going to make fun of me like everyone would do on TikTok, that would not be appreciated, and honestly wouldn’t make me a better blogger. Which is why we’re here. So I can be the Shakespeare of the internet, and you can laugh. Which is another thing I’m good at and have the yearbook picture to prove it and god willing I learn how to use this website I’ll plug that.

If you read our first post you already know that I like Instagram likes and tank tops (the part about smashing your chick was unfortunately satire), but that doesn’t tell the whole story. I like light beer which is where most of my nonsensical ideas stem from, I love the Jets the way vegans love cauliflower rice, and really just drumming up some shenanigans, which is mostly what I’ll be spewing on this here website, if you will.

That’s all that I can come up with for now, so I guess we shall check back in next time assuming I don’t get bored of this too quickly as I often move from one thing to the next very, very quickly. Over and out.