We Share The Road With These Monsters

There is an epidemic that someone needs to speak out on

It appears that someone is me.

There are people on the road we drive side by side with. Sometimes they drive side on side, as in they hit you with their car. I would know as I was t-boned last Saturday. The offender caught the brunt of it though. She tried to come across the middle and my behemoth of a vehicle laid the smack-down on her like Dick Butkus. She just got JACKED UP!!

Unfortunately for me and you, I did not die. However, if there is one silver lining, it’s that I can tell girls that I survived a car crash. If me not going D1 because of my injury doesn’t raise the sympathy levels through the roof, almost getting murdered on the way to pick up my $65 paycheck from work certainly will.

Actually, thinking back on it, it’s a good thing I didn’t die in that wreck. If I did, my body would’ve been found with “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguilera blasting in my car on repeat. That would have been a real tough look. I’ll be more careful to play cooler music when I drive in case my 20 year old SUV doubles as my coffin in the future. Maybe some Avenged Sevenfold will do the trick.

I forgave the fellow who hit me. It was an accident and accidents happen. Insurance will take care of it and we’ll each be on our way. However, there is a greater threat we face each and every time we hit the gravel. And no, I’m not talking about teenage girls who just passed their driving tests.

Uh oh people… little sister got certified by a professional to drive an automobile

Keep an eye out for Mya everyone! She passed her driver’s test with flying colors

Everybody else needs to stop driving IMMEDIATELY. Matter of fact, sell your cars. Invest that money in moon shoes.

I can actually attest for this one, Nicole fucking stinks at driving

Bae: Come over
Me: Can’t. Caeley and Dylan just got their licenses… gotta stay off the road

Thank you for that public service announcement. I’ll be working from home from now on.

Another sister who is bad enough of a driver to shut down the entire roadways. Coincidence, or sexism? Hmm…

Such a blessed day. The expressway is all yours and nobody else’s, you selfish prick.

No… these people are a much greater threat to society. People who willing drive around, with… God it even hurts to just type it out.

Customized. License plates.

Nothing says “feed me attention” like a little quip on the back of your hunter green 1997 Subaru Impreza. I would rather walk than drive a car that clearly outs me as a person who thinks he’s the funny one in the group who actually gets mocked relentlessly behind his back when he gets up to go pee. Personally, I’ve avoided that dilemma by simply never going to the bathroom. Adult diapers are quite comfortable after the break in period. I also chose to own a vehicle that has a regular license plate number like a normal citizen. Some people, for some unbeknownst reason, choose the alternative. Now this is the price they pay – getting mocked. By me. Future depressed corporate man (“meatloaf AGAIN Sharon? Fourth time this month”), former top draft prospect (stupid injury), part-time blogger (check it out here:
https://weekendrecaps.home.blog/),and full time dipshit.

And not only do you look like a fool… good luck getting away with committing any sort of crime. You can go right ahead and say goodbye to any potential get-away driving job opportunities:

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

Some asshole just hit my car and drove off

“Okay do you know the make and model of the vehicle?”

Not exactly, but the license plate was RU18YET

“Okay we’ll check our databases and find them within the hour”

IDIOTS. Fucking IDIOTS. Leave the xxUSERNAMExx’s to the kids and their AIM accounts (add me, sscharger36).

I will admit, once in a blue moon you’ll come across a funny one. But 99 times out of 100, you’ll want to ram the back of their vehicle and hope it blows up like a Ford Fiesta. So, without further ado, here is just a small percentage of the scum we share the road with.

#1: 3 YANKEE

This dicknose is obviously a Yankee fan, which already puts a bad taste in anybody’s mouth. What is throwing me off here is the “3.” If I know one thing about Yankee fans, it’s that they love boasting about championships they won before fire was invented, so I’m left to believe this fan was so amped about their third World Series victory against Abner Doubleday’s squad of chimney sweepers and hunter-gatherers, they decided to put it on their car for the entire world to shake their heads at.

The Culprit:

#2: DAMDANYL

Remember that God awful meme a few years back? If you don’t, all it took to go viral for Mr. Dan was to wear a white pair of Vans and to have someone film them. “Damn Daniel” reached the pinnacle of life itself – The Ellen Show. The story behind this license plate digs much deeper than the meme though. The owner of this vehicle (Daniel his name is, I assume) thinks this is his own personal catch-phrase. “Yo guys, how about every time I walk into the room, you’re all like ‘DAMNN DANIEL!!’. That would be so dope.”

And they do it out of pity, so he can feel involved. Enjoy it Daniel. Make the happiness last as long as it can. I can’t imagine you derive it from anywhere else.

The culprit: The man’s in this video

pic.twitter.com/Te1it0v5hY
— mp4s i have (@ihavemp4) March 30, 2019

P.S. If you are Daniel and are reading this just know that this is a joke. Please don’t beat me up with your fists just because I can beat you up with my words

#3: OKC THDR

New York license plate, Oklahoma City Thunder fan. It isn’t even possible, but I guarantee this kid goes around telling people “my dad was a Thunder fan when he was a kid and that’s why I’m a fan.” God works in great, mysterious ways though. Damian Lillard’s buzzer beater was the greatest shot I’ve ever seen. Step back right in front of the half court line. Back in my playing days I had a shot to hit a buzzer beater 3. I missed. We then went on to lose in double-OT. I still think about that from time to time.

The culprit(s):

#4: UR UGLY2

Fuck you, asshole. Don’t take your misfortune out on others.

The culprit:

#5: QWEANBEE

This one really hurts me deep. Story time: My pals and I were at the bar one night and this absolute bombshell came strolling in. Blonde hair, amber sundress. Eyes that would cut through you like a stick of butter. Drop dead gorgeous. We called her Queen Bee. By some divine miracle, I found myself in a conversation with her. She wanted me to put my Snap in her phone, but I thought I’d be smooth and put in my number instead. I turned my back for a quick second (which is also the same amount of time as a long second when you think about it) and she disappeared into the crowd. I can only assume she died the next day because I never got a text. Sad to think about it all and the life we could’ve shared together. So this blog is in memory of that smokeshow, Queen Bee. May she rest in peace.

I don’t have much to say to the driver here because my heart is so broken that anything that comes out of my mouth would likely do more harm to my feelings than theirs. Just like my mother taught me, if you have nothing to say that would hurt their feelings more than yours, don’t say anything at all. But I will say this one thing to this owner: You are not Queen Bee. You will never be Queen Bee. I knew Queen Bee like the back of my hand, and she would NEVER drive around with that on her bumper. I would bet this person’s only comparison to a queen bee is she is the largest one in her hive.

The culprit:

The Adults of Tinder

The internet is an interesting place. People use it to communicate with old friends and family, to online shop where you can get anything from groceries to premium Snapchat accounts, and to seek entertainment. What may fall under the entertainment category is the wonderful app by the name of Tinder, and other dating apps alike. They’re places unlike any other where the masses gather with one common goal: to fuck each others brain’s out. I decided to take a step outside my comfort zone and compiled some of my all time favorite profiles. Ladies and gentleman, these are the adults of Tinder.

First up we have Stacy. Stacy was one of the better looking ladies I came across and also probably one of the youngest. Love knows no age. She clearly has an affinity for animals because of all the cheetah she’s wearing kind of leads me to believe she wants to be a jungle cat. Like literally every profile you are about to see, we did not match however I’m sure if we met in person we’d hit it off like never before. She is probably a really cool aunt who you tell things to that you don’t tell your parents. Stacy was one of my favorite profiles that I came across but a far cry from my favorite.

Next up we have Emma, who is a fire cracker in her own right. The mermaid picture took me for a loop but I hypothesize that it she is a huge fan of the Little Mermaid, or a crazy person. I have no idea what it’s like growing up in Barbados nor do I actually know where Barbados is but it is probably tropical given the mermaid thing. She seems like she’s up for a good time getting right to the point saying buy me a drink and let’s go from there. Using the phrase gosh is an insane move and makes me think she’s a cop. All in all Emma seems like a rad chick and one that also likes mermaids whey too much.

From Emma we go to Gega who shockingly knows how to use apps based on her age, very technologically advanced I must say. Not a whole lot going on in this profile other than the fact that she’s claiming to be 71 and looks approximately 30 years younger. The age thing coupled withe bio reading “this is me write now” only further makes me question how she even knows what this app is considering she spelt “right” wrong. Also saying that you are who you are in that very moment is an instant red flag in a place where many people are not who they say they are, so much to the point where a TV show was made based off that very concept until the host proved to be problematic. Don’t fact check that.

There is a TON to unpack with Geraldine. Simply put that photo just screams “let’s take a trip on the wild side” and the various capitalized words I feel should tell a story but they don’t do that. She is obviously fabulous because she told us that twice. She is some kind of journalist and is very good at it as shown by her numerous awards year in and year out. Saying your last name ends in a vowel is quite the move because so do a lot of others but The Soprano’s make me think she has mob connections (I’m just starting season 6 in that now, pretty crazy turn of events right?). Including your unhealthy sleep habits is an interesting move but is one that I have no choice but to respect. Motherfucker is a cool word can’t knock her for that. All things considered, Geraldine is a first ballot hall of famer.

To close we bring in an all timer. Behold Seabeast, the 58 year old who likes to eat bones. This one was the one that brought up the most questions starting with the name and ending withe the part about eating bones and nibbling on teeth. I wish this is one that I would’ve matched with just because of all the questions I had. There isn’t much more for me to say on this one other than what is already presented in the photo. Seabeast, you are absolutely one of a kind and if one day I get to see that face of yours it would simply be my treat. Don’t change a thing about you no matter what anyone says.

There you have it. Tinder is not only a place for people in their 20’s to bang the shit out of each other. Until next time. Over and out.

Power Ranking “Always Sunny” Secondary Characters

Sunny is a show that is near and dear to me. It’s been ole’ reliable since I first watched it and it continues to be. Sometimes I’m just looking for a solid laugh and Sunny is always there to drive it home. The more and more I watched the show the greater appreciation I gained for the characters outside of the gang and some have become my favorites. The topic of this bad boy gives insight as to which ones I like the best and to keep it to a reasonable length I decided to do my top 7. Some that have only appeared in one or two episodes get omitted from this list and tried to keep it to those who effect (affect?) the show. Side note: don’t fact check this bad boy.

7. Ben the Soldier
Ben the Soldier is the guy Sweet D meets online under the username Dessert Rose. She goes to greet him from the bus station where she goes dressed as a rose. When he gets off the bus she sees him in a wheel chair and runs off, only to find he was capable of walking the entire time. Ben is also gifted a pair of jorts from the guys as a “thank-you for your service” kind of thing. Ben is an idiot and the gang tries to exploit that and his military background for their own schemes. My favorite part about this dipshit is how he’s so doofy, dumb, and awkward, but above all else he sleeps in an Ebenezer Scrooge get up, that is similar to something I wore to a pajama party.

Fun Fact: When Dennis and Mac try to trigger his PTSD, they learn he was a computer programmer in the Army and never saw any actual combat.

Favorite Scene: Attempting to trigger his PTSD while he’s dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge.

6. The McPoyle Family
The whole McPoyle gang is a lot to unpack. They claim they once ruled across America but that syphilis took out nearly half of them. Quite literally a group of inbreds who make frequent appearances throughout the series. They make their debut in just the second episode where they try to get their old gym coach fired by convincing Charlie he was molested by him. The rivalry grows stronger when Frank shoots Doyle and ruins his chances at playing for the Eagles and reaches its peak when Dennis bangs Maureen before she is set to marry Liam, although it would muddy the bloodline. This gang of freaks are one of the few secondary guys that stand alone to cause their own ruckus instead of pulling out the best in the gang.

Fun Fact: Liam tries to have the McPoyle’s take over the world by marrying Maureen Ponderosa, but it’s ultimately foiled when Bill Ponderosa spikes the milk with bath salts.

Favorite Scene: The entirety of the gang gets quarantined.

5. Lawyer
This guy never actually gets a name and is just always referred to as “Lawyer”. He’s another one who makes frequent run-ins with the gang and starts up some kind of rivalry as the show progresses. He comes in during season 3 when Dennis and Dee’s mother, Barbara, dies. The gang is under the impression that he is responsible for the death of Barbara despite not ever meeting her. He continues to fight with the gang on all things legal and grows to hate them so much that he hopes for nothing but to see them suffer. He takes on cases pro-bono in attempts to defeat them. Despite his trials and tribulations he always seems to come out behind and something worse is always happening to him. As a character alone he’s not all that great but coupled with the tomfoolery he brings out of the gang he’s a big part of the show.

Fun Fact: After the Waitress, he is the second unnamed character in the show.

Favorite Scene: When Charlie challenges him to a duel.

4. Artemis
Artemis is one fire cracker that I find to love more than most fans. She’s rough around the edges and unapologetically herself. She’s crazy open about her sexual endeavors and even more outspoken about how gross and bizarre they are, as per her dumpster humps with Frank. She gets introduced to the gang as a friend of Dee and comes onto the scene when the gang thinks Charlie has cancer. She makes frequent appearances and plays well off the gang. Stand alone she has her own funny moments and quite frankly may not get enough screen time.

Fun Fact: She has a bleached asshole.

Favorite Scene: Frank “Hey Deandre, you got any bacon bits? We like to put them in Artemis’ hair and they rain down on me when we bang.”
Artemis: “I feel like a cob salad. It’s amazing”

3. Uncle Jack
Uncle Jack is a god damn stud. He’s the perfect amount of creepy and funny all wrapped up into one disaster of a lawyer. He may or may not have molested Charlie but 100% gives off pedophile vibes. He enters the scene early in the series during the Charlie gets Molested episode. He gets a little too excited but continues to stick around for the rest of the series. Guy is very self-conscious about the size of his hands and is always taking pictures for his website on a disposable camera, which I’d bet my little cousin would not be able to recognize. He in a way rivals with the Lawyer and the two of them going against each other in the court of law. He plays off the rest of the gang well but is another that could stand alone and be a funny character.

Fun Fact: In “The Nightman Cometh”, the character of the Nightman is believed to be based on Uncle Jack due to his creepy past.

Favorite Scene: Ez Pz when his hands fly off during the “Trial of the Century”. Anyone that says otherwise is an idiot.

2. Bill Ponderosa
God dammit Pondy’s the coolest. What a walking bag of shit this guy is. He’s a deadbeat father, drug addicted alcoholic who loves to cheat on his wife. Pondy doesn’t pop up in a ton of episodes but as the series progresses he turns more and more into a pile of garbage. His mannerisms really get to me and his don’t give a fuck attitude is what makes this character the tits. He doesn’t come around until season six but when he does its something to be remembered. He bursts onto the scene banging Dee although he’s still married all the while lying about getting a vasectomy so he doesn’t have to wear a jimmy. On his own this scumbag could have his own show and would be ranked one if it wasn’t for the guy in front of him being an even bigger piece of shit.

Fun Fact: The life insurance policy the gang takes out on him when he tries to drink himself to death at the bar is still active.

Favorite Scene: Probably when he picks up Frank in “Being Frank.”

1. Rickety Cricket
I don’t believe that there is a character in the history of television that has undergone such a change quite like this train wreck. When the series begins, Cricket is simply Matthew Mara, a priest who is still in love with his high school crush, who unfortunately for him happens to be Sweet Dee. Cricket doesn’t come along until season two when a stain inside the bar looks like the Virgin Mary when he comes along to bless it. Dee says she has feelings for him, leading him to leave the priesthood which ignites his downward spiral. As the show continues he gets his neck cut open when Frank throws a garbage can at him, shot in the hand by Frank, half his face burnt off when he’s locked in Dennis and Mac’s burning apartment, and falls in love with a dog he perceives as a person while high on PCP. Dude is an unmitigated disaster in each and every sense of the phrase. The show wouldn’t be the same without him and for that reason he had to be number one on the list and I almost feel this is an unfair one putting him so high.

Fun Fact: Even though this guy is the tits, he is the second most recurring character after The Waitress.

Favorite Scene: Hands down when he walks in on the gang and asks to do PCP in their bathroom.

Over and out.

A Brief History Of My Fiscal Irresponsibility – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Before I start… this is something that Brendan mentioned in his heartbreaking tale about a hot chick telling him she’s blind, but I’m going to repeat it to really make sure the point gets across. We do things because they’re funny to us. Those things we do may also be funny to some of our friends. But much more often that not, they are funny to quite literally nobody else. 0% funny, 100% completely fucking moronic. Our brains are simply wired differently than the general public’s. It’s been said that you must to learn to love yourself before you can love others, and in return have others love you. Well, we’ve got the first part down pat, but have made little to negative progress with the latter. Do we care? Absolutely. At least I do. Nothing matters to me more than the opinions of others. But will I show it? Not a chance. I’ll put on my mask and go about my day and pretend the well-deserved snide remarks/dirty looks/silence from girls I’m interested in didn’t get to me. But they did, do, and always will. I’m sensitive like that. I watch This Is Us for fuck’s sake. I like to shed a tear every now and then. Regardless, we will continue doing what we’ve been doing since the dawn of our days and make no adjustments whatsoever.

On to blog number two for Tommy.

For me to live my life the only whey (side-note: sometimes we spell ‘way’ as ‘whey’ to let females know we lift. There will surely be more words we substitute in for others, but this is the only one I’m going to explain for you. So if you don’t know what we’re saying, just sound the word out and use some common sense) I know how, immaturely and obtusely, I very often will delve into the online shopping world and treat myself usually to whatever product I think would be amusing to own. My Amazon purchase page is more bizarre than the browser history of a budding teenage boy who has lost interest in simply youtubing “girls kissing” and is looking to diversify his fun-time library.

Together, we will take a trip down memory lane and recall some of my most memorable purchases. Each purchase will be rated on a 20-80 scale, much like the scale scouts use in baseball to grade prospects. 20 being a shit purchase, 80 being worth every penny. Factors taken into consideration include price, how often I use the item, and how it funny/unfunny it was. And speaking of baseball, I was quite the prospect back in high school. Would’ve went D1 but then I got hurt and that put an end to my major league dreams. What a bummer. At least when I tell that to girls, I:

1. Receive an enormous amount of sympathy from them – “Oh you poor thing!! How about I make it all better 😉”

2. Can brag about what a tremendous athlete I was without having to back it up with any sort physical activity. “Sorry babe, I’d love to buckle the knees of that annoying punk with a 92 mph slider, but the doc says no more pitching or I could lose the arm for good. Can’t risk it”

How did I get hurt? Not important. Let’s get to what you came here for.

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PURCHASE #1: Women’s Tap Shoes, $19.50

I should first say that when I bought these, I was not aware they were women’s shoes. As a matter of fact, I didn’t realize until about halfway through the night when I thought “holy fuck these things are tight.”

Why I Bought Them: Short story. The pals and I were watching Family Feud one night. Steve Harvey is going down the line, introducing the members of the family. One guy claims he’s a professional tap dancer, goes center stage, and starts doing his jig. One of my friends is particularly impressed… I am not. Not one bit. “This guy is so full of shit. I could do that in my sleep,” I say. My friend fires back, “Oh yeah? Prove it?” 10 minutes later the shoes were bought, paid for, and shipped.

When/How Often I Wore Them: It took a while to break them out. The made their debut July 3rd, 2018 at our favorite bar. This place is actually a half-bar, half-club, so I thought tearing up the dance floor in some tap shoes would surely get some hunnies by my side. I lace ‘em up and I’m out the door. Big night ahead of me. Only problem? The place was a ghost town. At one point I was the only one on the dance floor. I was particularly looking forward to sneaking on the DJ stage and putting on a show before getting kicked off, but it was so dead that he didn’t even give a shit when I made my way up there. Regardless of the low view count, I still got some laughs and even a shout-out over the speakers. Very cool!

Grade: 50/80. Fun idea, fair price, good execution. But a small audience and no repeat tap-dancing nights force me to knock its rating down a tad.

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PURCHASE #2: LED Light-Up Sneakers, $55

Why I Bought Them: I was at work and saw a very young child with a light up pair of Sketchers. Instant nostalgia. I proudly owned a pair back in kindergarten and they were a hit. I would lead the way into the movie theater, “lighting up the night” for my family on our way to see Ice Age. When I was picked in duck, duck, goose (which was a lot because I was the coolest god damn kid back then), the lights would become a blur because I was so fast, plus they would be a distraction to whoever was chasing me, giving me an advantage I frankly did not need, because of the speed.

By the way, is there a title for the person doing the chasing in that game? I know the ducks are the losers who never got picked, and the gooses were either the popular kids (me) or the fat kids because they were easy to catch… but the chaser? Let’s put a name to the face right now:

Wolf, Eagle, Bear, Raccoon, Fox. Take your pick.

When/How Often I Wore Them: Once. I got to wear them one fucking time at a run-of-the-mill hangout because these pieces of shit broke within a week. I hate to use such a hostile tone, but it’s only because I loved them so much. These things didn’t just light up when you took a step, they had a permanent flashing setting. Actually, setting(s). More than one. They would blink blue, red, green. Flash all colors at once. Act as a strobe light that would trigger an epileptic seizure in a millisecond (remember the movie Miss March made by the WKUK guys? How about the scene where the chick seizes mid blowie and bites Trevor’s yogurt slinger? Ouch). I made sure to make the most of my time with these bad boys though. It’s a darn shame they didn’t last as they would’ve saved me at least 20-25% on my electric bill. Light up the night.

Grade: 35/80. So much potential these shoes had, but what a bust they turned out to be. Jeff Francouer-esque career. Got off to a scorching hot start only to turn into a bigger disappointment than every one of my last attempts at dating (“You’re really nice and funny, but…”). As they say, the brightest stars burn out the fastest.

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PURCHASE #3: Olympic Team Handball Net, $179.99

Why I Bought It: … Why the fuck did I buy this? I mean, Brendan and I were two-time European Handball Tournament champions in high school (Brendan was just a coach for the second one, but every team member gets a ring so I’ll count it). Did I think that I could continue that success and play for Team USA or something? Well I obviously couldn’t have because of that stupid sports injury that prevented me from becoming the transcendent athlete I was destined blossom into. I really don’t have an explanation for this one.

When/How Often I Used It: Once again, this was just a one time use for Tommy. Luckily however, it provided somewhat of a lasting impact. A few neat pics of me were snapped while I was shooting on it, which I promptly used as one of my Tinder photos.

That is… until I was banned from the app.

Apparently, “I’ve been watching a lot of Dexter recently and I’m just looking for people to kill” is not the best pick-up line. But I say leave that for the big-city slams to decide, not the dumb fucks from corporate trying to silence my profile. #NotMyDatingApp

Grade: 20/80. Gonna be hard to get worse than this one. But hard doesn’t mean impossible. We can do it. Together.

Barry Zito-esque 12-6 Curve

Before I get into this one allow me to disclose something. Tommy and I often stir up/stumble into plenty of hi-jinx that we both find funny to each other and those close to us, but not so much anyone outside of that. I guess this one falls under the ‘birds of a feather’ saying or probably more accurately ‘misery loves company’ because I love my friends and we are all some miserable fucks. With all that being said I doubt this is a story that you would not be able to find humor in and basically something that can only really happen once.

Before I get into this once in a lifetime boondoggle I created for myself I’ll paint the scene. It’s Saturday in late March. The weather is not important whatsoever nor do I remember it but if I had to guess it was probably a pretty nice as we had a pretty mild winter here on Long Island. The group is getting together to hit the bars a few towns over. All the girls are excited, the guys not so much but we didn’t really bother coming up with anything else to do so we decided to tag along. On my feet I have a relatively old pair of sneakers that I managed to keep pretty clean but don’t mind getting dirty, hence the bar shoes. On my ass I’m wearing one of the two pairs of jeans I own. I need to get more jeans or other leg wear because khaki takes up most of my closet space and I believe “Call Her Daddy” said khaki was out. Crushing blow my wardrobe. The jeans I have on are a little snug, so snug that I once blew the button out of them trying to squeeze my magnum dong into but like I said I only have one other pair and I couldn’t find the other ones. On my chest, an LA Rams 2019 Super Bowl Champions t-shirt that I paid too much money for but got more laughs than I had expected so let’s call it a wash. On my mind, nothing. Blank. I take one look in the mirror and think one thing:

We get to the pre-game spot and things are off to a good start. My t-shirt gets a laugh and a comment, and not a sole makes fun of me for my jeans that are too tight. Things are going better than expected. It’s late March so we’re watching the basketball tournament cheering for our brackets. I’m in second to last only in front of a chap by the name of Logan who actually forgot to fill the thing out entirely. I polish off the last of my Bud Light Platinums because they remind me of drinking in the woods after school with my friends and we pile into our Uber, where things begin to take a slight turn for the worst. Uber says he left his aux in his other car, which I thought was bullshit but whatever, so we’re forced to chop it up the old fashioned way. When we arrive on Main Street we receive news that our number one spot is going to be a no-go for various reasons. If you’ve made it this far, things are about to get good for you.

We hit the first bar of the evening despite them charging an annoying cover. I pay for my friends, he buys me my first drink. Great trade for me, the drink was more expensive than the cover. We shimmy our way to the bar and that’s when I see her. The girl that I am ready to spend the rest of my life with. I take a few more steps towards the bar as she starts to walk away from it. We’re facing each other at this point but there’s a few people between us. A few more steps. We’re now a mere couple of inches from each other. I’m not sure if I made any kind of gesture. Maybe I raised my eyebrows like some kind of asshole, or maybe smiled which would have sucked because my smile is kind of shitty and my wink is exponentially worse. We lock eyes and time freezes. As far as I know the two of us have the bar to ourselves. I black out for a second and the rest of my life flashes in front of me. I see our wedding day. The birth of our first child. The way she consoles me when I get laid off. And the day she decides she’s had enough and hands me the divorce papers. The American fuckin’ dream. Time starts up again and she opens her mouth to say something. What I expect to hear: “Hey handsome! Funny T-shirt and no way are those jeans too tight, not even in Europe!”, or “Excuse me I need to get to my friends”, or even something more aggressive like “Let’s spend the rest of our lives together starting right now”. She did not say even a single one of those words. What she said is something I truly hope no other big city snipey ever says to me again. Two words I’ll never forget come out her mouth. “I’m blind”. True story. Crushing blow before I could even get the words out, which I probably wouldn’t have done anyway.

Two things made me mad about this. One is that it took me back to the point where I wasn’t able to come up with any sort of funny rebuttal or anything like that. I’m usually pretty quick on my feet but this time I had the yipps and then some and then some more. The other is that I had no idea if she was lying or not. I mean she probably was because how else would she have even known I was there, but what I’m going to choose to believe now is that she was blinded by my dashing good looks. Don’t try to correct me, you weren’t there and it will only make me feel worse about myself. The rest of the night didn’t get much better. Tommy dropped my phone and it broke the screen. My friend Carter and I decided separate Uber’s home was the best course of action but really only ended up being more expensive than anything else, and when I eventually got home I saw the mint leaves from the mojitos we were drinking because they rhyme with best bros. Also because I puked them into the toilet at my parents house because I guess I was eating the mint leaves from my mojito.

I’ve told this story a couple times since it happened and nobody really was able to make heads or tails of it. Hats off to the girl that stole my heart within moments of doing the same activity that a considerable amount of people my age do on weekends. I’m not bitter anymore and actually got over it and thought it was funny a couple minutes after this whole debacle. But I must give credit where credit is due, she managed to kill me with a curve that would make 2006 NLCS Adam Wainwright jealous.

I guess Carlos Beltran and I have something in common now. Sorry Tommy I know how much you love the Mets. Over and out.